This has been a week of disappointments.
On Tuesday my hopes were dashed when I found out that, yet again, People Magazine didn’t choose me to be their Sexiest Man Alive. I’m trying not to be angry about what a lesser man might consider an obvious snub. With approximately 3.4 billion men on earth, I can certainly understand how the judges could make such a glaring oversight. Thankfully, the inevitable outpouring of protests from my legions of female fans will surely wake them up and turn me into the early frontrunner for next year.
Then on Wednesday yet another blow to my already wounded ego was struck. The Huffington Post carried an article titled, 10 Men Just as Deserving of the Sexiest Man Alive Title. I rejoiced! Finally, someone was astute enough to realize that the people at People don’t know everything and that maybe–just maybe–in their myopic narrow-mindedness, they had made an egregious error in judgment. But when I clicked on the link, alas, my name was once again conspicuous by its absence.
At this point I am feeling discriminated against.
Who do these people think they are, ruling me out of the running because I’m bald and have a paunch and need to supplement my fiber intake? Are they so naive as to believe that Adam Levine (who is he anyway?) doesn’t have some imperfections? Do they really expect us to believe that his pictures in the magazine weren’t airbrushed? Puh-lease!
Or maybe it’s religious discrimination. It wouldn’t surprise me if they rule out all preachers from the get-go because of some twisted notion that a man can’t be sexy unless he has a little bad boy in him. Well, People Magazine elitists, I do have some bad boy in me. Just last night I failed to take out the garbage and never once let my wife have the remote while we were watching the Food Network. Oh, trust me…we preachers have a wild side, too!
When I was a boy, my parents taught me the importance of not always doing the easy thing, like taking the elevator when walking up a flight of stairs is better for your health. Obviously, People Magazine hasn’t learned this lesson. They continue to make the easy choice for this award: a young, handsome man with a perfect face and body.
I can assure you of one thing: if they had chosen me, everyone in America would be talking about it.
Sorry, People. It’s your loss.